I'm trying

I'm trying to conceive.

Heck, I'm just trying to ovulate at all.

I'm trying to be patient.

I'm trying to trust God's plan and have faith in His timing.

I'm trying to be positive.

I'm trying to not be discouraged, disappointed, or sad.

I'm trying to look on the bright side.

I'm trying to focus on my blessings.

I'm trying to get into the Christmas spirit.

I'm trying to stay motivated.

I'm trying not to cry at work.

I'm trying to not be or appear weak, but still be true to myself.

I'm trying to not throw myself a pity party.

I'm trying to keep things in perspective.

I'm trying to not be jealous of pregnant women and mommies of sweet kids.

I'm trying to not be offended by people's casual questions of "when it's our turn" or well-meaning comments about "how great I'd look with a baby on my hip."

I'm trying to not offend or hurt anybody's feelings by saying all of these things.

I'm trying to not be apprehensive of letting my blog and my blog readers come "behind the scenes."

As I'm sure most of you know, Brad and I are very anxious to get pregnant. It's been featured on each bucket list that I've published this year. However, you probably don't know that we've been trying to conceive for a total of about two years, now. It's not really something we've been super open about in the past. We didn't want all of the questions or unsolicited advice or awkward pity or dealing with the pressure of other people in addition to our own that we thought would come along with revealing the struggle. But I'm over that now. It's too much a part of my life to keep hidden.

I have to admit, even though I absolutely loooove Christmastime, this one is turning out to be a rather difficult one for me. You see, I had big, vivid dreams of celebrating this year's holiday with family and finally getting the perfect opportunity to reveal the great news of our pregnancy with those we love the most through clever Christmas gifts, nonchalantly wrapped under the tree. I already envisioned their faces of shock and joy. I had visions of a tiny stocking on our mantle and a special ornament for our sweet little bun in my oven on our tree.

Maybe I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up so high for such a special Christmas. In fact, looking back, of course I shouldn't have. But when we first started deliberately addressing our fertility issues back in May, I felt like Christmas was so far away. And when I scheduled an appointment with the doctor in July, I thought I still had plenty of time. And when I was diagnosed with PCOS and started a medicinal treatment in September, I thought I had four more tries to make it. And when that medicine alone didn't work, and she prescribed me with a fertility drug in November, I thought I had a 50/50 chance.

It turns out the timing doesn't always fall according to (my) plan. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that this Christmas, I may have a full stocking and a tree full of presents and a full house of family whom I love, but I'll still have an empty womb.

...I can't describe how that feels. Some of you may know for yourself. From past experience or from current struggles. (I'm praying for you.)

I'm trying to be positive. And I'm trying to be patient. And I'm trying to enjoy (hopefully our last) Christmas together as just Brad and me. I'm trying to concentrate on how lucky I am to have such a wonderful, loving, compassionate partner as a husband. I'm trying to put on a smile and see the glass as half full. I'm trying to not be over dramatic or make a big deal out of something that I'll (hopefully) look back on as just a small blip in our story. I'm trying to focus more on God's will, and trust completely in His timing and His plan for me. (Which I wholeheartedly do.)

But regardless of all my effort, there's still a hole smack dab in the middle of my heart. Because right now, my heart belongs to a little baby whom I haven't had the blessed privilege of meeting. Yet.

{Sorry for being a Debbie Downer. Especially on a Friday. Especially during Christmastime. My heart was oozing all of that, and I had to let it out. And since this blog is my outlet, it was the only way I knew how. I hope you will forgive me. ♥ }