Friday, December 9, 2011

I'm trying

I'm trying to conceive.

Heck, I'm just trying to ovulate at all.

I'm trying to be patient.

I'm trying to trust God's plan and have faith in His timing.

I'm trying to be positive.

I'm trying to not be discouraged, disappointed, or sad.

I'm trying to look on the bright side.

I'm trying to focus on my blessings.

I'm trying to get into the Christmas spirit.

I'm trying to stay motivated.

I'm trying not to cry at work.

I'm trying to not be or appear weak, but still be true to myself.

I'm trying to not throw myself a pity party.

I'm trying to keep things in perspective.

I'm trying to not be jealous of pregnant women and mommies of sweet kids.

I'm trying to not be offended by people's casual questions of "when it's our turn" or well-meaning comments about "how great I'd look with a baby on my hip."

I'm trying to not offend or hurt anybody's feelings by saying all of these things.

I'm trying to not be apprehensive of letting my blog and my blog readers come "behind the scenes."

As I'm sure most of you know, Brad and I are very anxious to get pregnant. It's been featured on each bucket list that I've published this year. However, you probably don't know that we've been trying to conceive for a total of about two years, now. It's not really something we've been super open about in the past. We didn't want all of the questions or unsolicited advice or awkward pity or dealing with the pressure of other people in addition to our own that we thought would come along with revealing the struggle. But I'm over that now. It's too much a part of my life to keep hidden.

I have to admit, even though I absolutely loooove Christmastime, this one is turning out to be a rather difficult one for me. You see, I had big, vivid dreams of celebrating this year's holiday with family and finally getting the perfect opportunity to reveal the great news of our pregnancy with those we love the most through clever Christmas gifts, nonchalantly wrapped under the tree. I already envisioned their faces of shock and joy. I had visions of a tiny stocking on our mantle and a special ornament for our sweet little bun in my oven on our tree.

Maybe I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up so high for such a special Christmas. In fact, looking back, of course I shouldn't have. But when we first started deliberately addressing our fertility issues back in May, I felt like Christmas was so far away. And when I scheduled an appointment with the doctor in July, I thought I still had plenty of time. And when I was diagnosed with PCOS and started a medicinal treatment in September, I thought I had four more tries to make it. And when that medicine alone didn't work, and she prescribed me with a fertility drug in November, I thought I had a 50/50 chance.

It turns out the timing doesn't always fall according to (my) plan. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that this Christmas, I may have a full stocking and a tree full of presents and a full house of family whom I love, but I'll still have an empty womb.

...I can't describe how that feels. Some of you may know for yourself. From past experience or from current struggles. (I'm praying for you.)

I'm trying to be positive. And I'm trying to be patient. And I'm trying to enjoy (hopefully our last) Christmas together as just Brad and me. I'm trying to concentrate on how lucky I am to have such a wonderful, loving, compassionate partner as a husband. I'm trying to put on a smile and see the glass as half full. I'm trying to not be over dramatic or make a big deal out of something that I'll (hopefully) look back on as just a small blip in our story. I'm trying to focus more on God's will, and trust completely in His timing and His plan for me. (Which I wholeheartedly do.)

But regardless of all my effort, there's still a hole smack dab in the middle of my heart. Because right now, my heart belongs to a little baby whom I haven't had the blessed privilege of meeting. Yet.

{Sorry for being a Debbie Downer. Especially on a Friday. Especially during Christmastime. My heart was oozing all of that, and I had to let it out. And since this blog is my outlet, it was the only way I knew how. I hope you will forgive me. ♥ }


Hilary Anna said...

I don't have any experience with this since i'm still young, but I can imagine that it would be sad. But God will take care of you, I promise. Everything will work out in the end! Hey, you never know, maybe right now God is saying, "Not yet Mindy, the timing isn't perfect. Just hold on a little bit longer and it will happen!"
God is great. And i'm sure that once you are blessed with a little one, you guys will be the best parents in the world.
You're in my thoughts and prayers!

Chara said...

I love you so much.
Kids change so many things. They steal your heart before they are even born- and before they are even conceived. You and Brad have a lot of love to give and it will happen for you. In the mean time I'll be praying for your hearts.

Emily J. said...

Love you right now


Oh mindy. I just want to give you a big old hug right now and let you cry all those ugly tears that i know come along with this. In the thick of it, it is so hard to put on that happy face and not hate pregnant women. I pray that God blesses you with a little one very soon but in the meantime know that even though it is hard to see it now, His timing really is perfect. I cant imagine anyone else in our little family besides ian and rylin and if it happened any sooner, we would have someone compeltely different and not them. God knew we needed them. He knows who you need too. Im here anytime you need to get it all out and you know Ill just let you rage because Ive been there too. Love you.

Laura C. said...

Oh, sweet Mindy. I'm praying for you right now. Thank you for sharing that with all of us. Love you!

Melissa said...

I actually was thinking about this the other day. Just want you to know I'm praying for you both. I truely cannot imagine what you have to be going through. Even though we don't talk a lot, I love you and know you will be a wonderful mommy when God decides it's time. Praying for you...

Erica said...

Mindy..I have never gotten on and read your blog until tonight. Something in the title made me want to read it. I did and my heart is broken for you. I am so sorry. I know there are no words to comfort and nothing I can do to fix it, but i want you to know that I will be praying for you. There is nothing more powerful than that! I watched one of my best friends go through that for four years. I have "seen" how much pain it can cause. However, now she has beautiful almost two year old twins and that lonely time in her life is like the blink of an eye. One day God will bless you with a little one to share all of your love with! Until that time, be strong. Take comfort in the fact that now a lot of people are praying. Have a Merry Christmas! And wait to see what the new year will bring you! Love you and if you guys need us for anything, we're not very far away.

Emily said...

I LOVE you a ton!!

Angie said...

I admire you so very much for being open and honest about your real true feelings which is so hard to do, but it is also hard to smile when you want to cry. I just respect you and your feelings so much! Keep talking and praying and sharing with those that love you the most

Brittany T. said...

Love you, Mindy!

Kendal E said...

I am praying for you! I know God has something awesome planned for the two of you, even if you don't see the ultimate plan right now. Stay true to God and He will bless you beyond anything you can imagine! Love and hugs to you both!

Rachael said...

I'm praying for you Mindy! I know that is so hard to share but I know you will have so many people praying for you now. I know KJ misses seeing you everyday, I hope we can see yall soon. We will be thinking about yall through the holidays! Jer. 29:11

Pam said...

Love you so much.

Liesl said...

I am honored and touched by your honesty. You have no reason to apologize. God put those longings in you. I pray you will allow God and others to walk with you in your sadness. I hope you can be ok with the sadness.....being sad does not mean that you are not grateful about other parts of your life. I remember that ache and watching my sister and all our friends have multiple children. I am so sorry and praying for God to open your womb.

Beth said...

You are so precious! Praying for you guys!

Meagan said...

Love you! You know I'll keep praying for you.

Kimberly Washer said...

Mindy, this post brought tears to my eyes because I felt as though these were my words written on paper. I NEVER thought it would be 'work' to try to get pregnant. I had such a false idea of pregnancy until we started trying. We have been trying for a little over a year and I have not reached your courage level and letting people know. Yes, there are a few people who know because that's just something that's hard to keep in, but we have not told our parents and most of our family members. I wanted the whole surprise factor when we actually did get pregnant. My sister used to work for Agape and always told me that you should never ask people when they are going to have kids because you have NO IDEA what they're going through and that has hit me so hard in the past few months. When somebody says something to me, it takes all the strength I have not to blow up at them. I had noticed that you had get pregnant on all of your recent bucket lists and I wanted to ask you about it, but as mentioned it is a super sensitive subject. I'll be praying for you guys!!!

Anonymous said...

Mindy...A dear friend passed this blog along to me and it is EVERY word of what/how I feel. No words describe how hard it is to contain the emotions of wanting a child and every month be disappointed, and every month it is harder and harder. I am praying for you!! Lots of love!

Aunt Terri said...

Many great women in the bible had a difficulty conceiving. Maybe baby Mehaffey just wants you to be in the company of greatness.

Ashli Rogers said...

Oh Mindy, I admire your attitude so much. I'll be praying for you and the doctors helping you.

Kathy Flanigan said...

Mindy, thank you for sharing. I'm sure it is hard to be patient, but I'll be praying for a perfect little egg at the perfect time, and that the time will be soon.

kimberly burr said...

praying for you took us 5 years and 3 losses...and you know what great kids we have now! :D kendall even just got his license...babies will come and they will come in God's and their own timing and it will be more wonderful than you could have ever expected! you and brad much!!...xox

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