Here's My Broken Hallelujah

I can barely stand right now.

Everything is crashing down,

And I wonder where You are.

I try to find the words to pray.

I don't always know what to say,

But You're the one that can hear my heart.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,

I know You make beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.

On my knees, I call Your name.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,

I raise these empty hands to You.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

You know the things that have brought me here.

You know the story of every tear.

‘Cause You've been here from the very start.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,

I know You make beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.

On my knees, I call Your name.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,

I raise these empty hands to You.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed.

Let me always sing Hallelujah

When I feel afraid, don't let my hope be erased

Let me always sing Hallelujah.

Let me always sing Hallelujah.

I will always sing

I will always sing

Here's my broken hallelujah.

Hope Springs

Right around nine months ago (how ironic), I mentioned that finding and maintaining hope in our fertility process was a struggle for me. A lot has happened since then. For starters, my sister gave me a very special necklace for Christmas. It has a pendant inscribed with the word "hope" accompanied by two jewels: a teal one, which is the awareness color for my condition of PCOS, and a pearl, representing motherhood. She wanted to provide me with some tangible hope while I couldn't find my own. It is one of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received. Since then, it has dangled from the mirror in my car as a constant reminder of what we're moving towards. During the days when I thought all hope was lost, I could simply look up and find it dancing right in front of my eyes.

 

In 2012, we had exhausted all of the support we could receive from my original OB/GYN. In February of this year, we sought a second opinion from another doctor who came highly recommended by friends. He pretty much confirmed what we knew by agreeing that we would need to have procedures performed that regular doctors are not equipped to do, requiring specialized assistance. It was hard to accept that Brad and I would never naturally conceive a child at home in love. That was a loss of opportunity that we had to grieve. However, this doctor was much gentler and kinder about the news and was able to put the perspective in significantly more positive terms. He assured me that fertility treatments were not a death sentence, but rather a chance to consult the experts in the field who literally do this for a living.

 

In March, Brad and I sucked up our pride and swallowed all of our fears of owning an "infertile label," and we nervously walked into Nashville Fertility Center. We had mixed emotions of despair because, after years of trying, we could no longer fool ourselves into thinking we were "normal couples with a typical level of difficulty," as well as determination to finally call in the Big Guns. We were more than ready to officially get this show on the road. 

 

 

Immediately following our first consultation with Dr. W, I knew we were in an additional pair of good hands. With his expertise combined with God's power, I started to see sparkles of hope in my vision even without the dangling pendant in my eyesight. In the four months since Dr. W. has been part of our story, things have started picking up. I've tripled the dosage of my daily PCOS medication, checked and rechecked various blood levels, consulted (and ruled out) a medical endocrinologist for possible obscure hormonal defects, and undergone surgery to remove harmful tissue from endometriosis and also repair if possible, but mostly likely remove, a damaged fallopian tube.

 

But, you guys, Brad and I experienced our first "victory" when Dr. W. came out of surgery and said he did not need to remove the tube! All of us were nearly positive it was going to have to happen, and we had all prepared for fertility chances and options with only one fallopian tube present. He not only did not have to remove it, but he said both tubes as well as my uterus are in perfect condition! Either God healed my anatomy over the last year (which is entirely possible!) or the dye test/x-ray had been misleading, probably because of muscle cramping and resistance during the procedure. Hallelujah! God is Good! I never thought I'd consider it such a cause for celebration to simply have all of my reproductive organs in tact!

 

(Flowers from sweet friends post-surgery)

The next immediate step is an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination), aka artificial insemination. During this procedure, they will take Brad's sperm and inject it directly into my uterus with hopes that it finds and fertilizes an egg in either of my two fallopian tubes. These procedures will be accompanied by rounds of Clomid to help me ovulate, but with a doubled dosage from was prescribed the previous six times I took it. If need be, after a couple failed IUIs with Clomid, we'll modify the drug to Femara, which I've only taken once before (but didn't enjoy the side effects of). If the oral medication and IUI combos don't result in a conception at any point, then we'll switch to injectable drugs. They're much more effective, much more successful, much more invasive, and much more expensive, so I hope it doesn't come to that. If IUIs don't ever work after all of the various drugs are attempted, then our general next step is IVF (In Vitro Fertilization), but we aren't going that far in our minds just yet, so calm back down.

 

 

Things seem to finally be getting real, and Brad and I have many emotions right now, however, they aren't necessarily the same as each other. While he (and many of my close friends) are super encouraged that this next step could be the final one, I'm keeping realistic and grounded expectations that it is just the next step in a remaining list of steps in our journey toward parenthood. But Brad and I are both extremely excited to be taking what seem to be bigger steps than we ever have before. We're excited to have a plan and be proactive and aggressive. We're excited to be working with a doctor and a facility that we wholeheartedly trust. I'm so happy to finally feel like we're in a safe place with people who truly want the same thing for us as badly as we do and who will do whatever they can to make it happen.  What a great feeling.

 

Conversely, we're also both scared. What if it finally happens? What if it's not just a dream anymore but is finally real life? What if we become parents?? Yikes! So much to plan, budget, and do! But we're simultaneously scared of the opposite, too. What if it doesn't happen? What if even this step doesn't work. What if it's just another failed task on a checklist that we have to continue trudging through. How do we (I) stay out of the despair that follows such disappointment and heartbreak? Ugh. As a result of this overwhelming risk, I'm doing what I can to guard my heart. Everybody else can let their hopes soar, but I'm going to keep them right around eye level. And ya know what, eye level is still five feet higher than they were nine months ago, so I very much consider that success in the hope department!

 

So, y'all, if you would, keep your fingers crossed and your prayers lifted that God will soon bless us with a child, and that our hearts will handle the process, however long, in the meantime. You guys rock!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

PS. I've been purposefully vague about the timing of the future procedures. Even though I'm exponentially grateful for all of your love and support, I'm not sure I'm ready to handle all of the emotions, excitement, anticipation, disappointment, etc. of others as well as myself. I'm not trying to be rude in any way, but I ask that you please be considerate by not asking more specific details or asking if we're pregnant yet or when we'll find out. I promise I will share the (good?) news as soon as we decide we're comfortable. If we haven't said anything, it's either because we don't know yet, so we have nothing to tell you; no we're not, and I'm hoping to not have to verbalize that sentence any more than is absolutely necessary; or yes we are, but we haven't told you yet because we're waiting for a specific reason and your asking won't negate that reason, so we're going to lie about it anyway. Does that all make sense? However, those three questions are the only ones that I ask remain off the table. Everything else, bring it on! If you are full of hope, let me know! Maybe I'll catch some of it! If you're feeling guarded about it, help keep me grounded. I've invited you all into this journey, and I'd love to share it with you as much as you are interested. Your outpouring of love and support on my previous fertility-related posts have provided so much encouragement and happiness. Thank you so much!

"Need You Now," by Plumb

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

 How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh, I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

 How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh, I need you
God, I need you now.

Oh I walk, Oh I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

 How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh, I need you
God, I need you now.

I need you now
Oh, I need you
God, I need you now
I need you now
I need you now

 

Faith and Love. But no Hope?

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And now these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love.

But the greatest of these is Love.

1 Corinthians 13:13

It's another new month. But I don't mean October. This new month comes with a much heavier weight than the joy of autumn and the anticipation of Taylor Swift's fourth studio album. I mean another new cycle. The start of another new month after another failed month of trying to conceive. It's month 22 in a row of deliberately trying to get pregnant and not succeeding (not counting the year-worth of months we casually tried before that). It's month 22 of unfulfilled hope. It is month 12 of intervened, doctor and drug assisted attempts to conceive. Month 12 of unfulfilled medically assured hope.

 

That hope, it's a tricky thing. The hope is what makes it hurt. Every new cycle, like this one, it's the hope that "this could be the month." Every drug, it's the hope that "this one is going to do the trick." Every ovulation, it's the hope that "this egg is going to get fertilized and become my baby and be the first of my children to bless our home." Every two week wait filled with unusually strong smells or weird tastes or tender breasts or exhaustion or light pink spotting around possible implantation days, it's the hope that "these are symptoms of pregnancy, finally." And then every new menstruation, all of those fresh hopes die; are given up; are grieved. They must ultimately be replaced with new ones, again. But is that continually possible?

 

The death of that hope hurts.

 

Wouldn't it be better to just not hope anymore? Wouldn't it be less painful to not get hopes up just to be let down?

 

I wish I could respond to those rhetorical questions with a determined strength and scriptures to back it up about how God never lets us down and to just keep on truckin' along with that hope in full swing. (There are plenty of them.) But I can't. Not today. Not Cycle 22, Day 1.

 

I have love aplenty. I love my husband with all my heart. I love our families. I love our friends. I love our pup. I love my Lord and Savior with my entire existence. And I never, for one second, doubt God's love for me. After all, He loved me enough to sacrifice His only son for my salvation. That's a love that can't be questioned.

 

And I don't waiver with faith. I truly believe that God is good, and He knows what is best for our future. I believe He wouldn't withhold something I desire so strongly unless it was for a great purpose I can't see. If He's willing to give even His own child for me, why would He keep anything else from me unless it was for some great reason?

 

But, today, the hope is a struggle. The definition in the above photo states that hope means "to look forward to with great confidence and expectation." Well, I simply can't claim that right now. Just yesterday I was doodling our future children's names on scrap paper at work, but today, I can't look at this new month with any confidence that we will conceive. I can't actually expect to see a positive pregnancy test anytime soon, if ever. Too many months of experience have taught me that it's simply not going to happen. Why would this month be any different? We're coming up on the third holiday season I hoped to celebrate with either a baby or a pregnancy. I can't imagine this one will be the one, either. Boo.

 

Hope is tricky, because we hope with our human perspective. I could passionately hope to win the lottery, but it'd be silly to blame God for not granting me my wish. Or I could have hoped desperately to marry some random dude, all the while God knew that Brad was the man for me. Or I can hope with every ounce of my being to conceive a child (or two or five), but God may know that my heart's desire isn't what our future holds. Maybe we are to adopt? Maybe we are not meant to be parents at all. (I'm not at all prepared to accept that one, yet.) That's why hope is tricky, because it's determined by what we hope for, which may or may not be right for us. So basically, I have hope for a future, and hope to serve God faithfully, and hope for an eternity spent with Him in Heaven, but right now this minute, I do not have hope to conceive, at least "naturally" or any time soon.

 

How in the world do you know what God wants for your life? Do you just wait and wait and wait and wait until something happens and then assume that it is His will since it came to pass? Do you continue trying in the meantime for what you want? Or do you just trust that if God wants it to happen, He'll make it happen regardless of the effort put in on your part? After all, Mary conceived without ever even having sex! If God wants us to get pregnant, He can achieve that regardless of whether or not we take drugs, endure invasive procedures, or pee on sticks. Trying desperately and pleading in prayer every month isn't going to accomplish anything if it's not His plan anyway, is it? So what's the point? When do you let go? When do you move on? How do you know what His will is and what it'll take, if anything, to achieve it?

 

I don't know...

 

I think this month is unique with unprecedented difficulty for me. For the last 22 months, I've been devastated every time I didn't conceive, but I never really doubted that I was eventually going to. This month, however, the non-conception came as no surprise. It's what I've come to expect from years of experience. Furthermore, what's changed this time, is now I'm doubting and questioning and confused. Doubting our future. Questioning God's will. Confused of what steps to take, if any. I've always been so confident that I would be a mom, and sure that God knew my life better than I do. I've never truly asked "Why?" before, because I didn't think that as a member of creation I had the right to question the Creator. But this month I can't seem to help it. A lot of "Why?'s" and "What's the point?'s" are swirling through my head right now. I've never crossed this bridge of doubt before, nor did I ever intend or desire to, and I don't know how to navigate this new terrain. And I'm not entirely sure I want to stay in this new hopeless land long-term anyway.

 

Is it possible to have strong faith and love but let go of some of the hope? Is it healthy? Is it okay? Because today, that is where I am.

But what do you do without hope? How do you keep going? How do you give up a dream and longing that God placed so deep within your soul? How do you let go of the hope that you'll one day join Him in creating life? Of the hope of feeling your baby's hiccups from inside your belly? Of hearing his or her heartbeat for the first time? Of seeing that sweet face and recognizing a perfect combination of you and your spouse? Of rocking an innocent child to sleep with a lullaby and a nightlight? Of caressing that soft cheek as he nurses? Of hearing precious coos filling your house? Of looking into her eyes and seeing your future? How?

I'm at a weird place right now. I don't know how to keep the hope alive, but I don't know how to let it go either.

 

I genuinely wish I could be strong and faithful and encouraging and end this blog post with passionate affirmations to never doubt and never lose hope. I love God with all that I am, but today, I can't encourage or affirm. Thank you for allowing me to admit my weaknesses, struggles, wounds, shortcomings, and vulnerabilities. Christian family (which I consider all of you to be) is such a blessing.

Seven Years is Legit

We may not have looked that legit back on June 11, 2005. But now, we're the real deal.

Today marks the end of my seventh year as Brad's wife. I love this picture of us acting silly on our wedding day; the first day of my life as a Mrs. to my Mr. I'm starting to look back at our wedding photos and think, "Man, we were just babies!" At the time we thought 21 was sooooo grown up! Ha.

I'm finally beginning to feel like we've been married a long time. Up until recently, I was like, "Oh, we're still newlyweds! We just got married! It seems like only yesterday!" Now, I think, "Wow, we've really been married a long time. Seven years is kind of a big deal. We have accumulated a lot of history and experience as a married couple. We've grown up a lot together over the course of this totally legit marriage."

I thought I might feel sad when the "honeymoon phase" was over, but I actually think I like this part even better. It's real. I know it's real. I'm not worried about what it'll be like when the fantasy is grounded. I trust myself as a wife, and I'm not always wondering what kind of wife I am or want to be and how to be that. And I trust Brad as a husband; trust him to know how to put our marriage first, to treat me in a way that would make our parents proud, and to strive to be the husband God expects him to be. We really have learned a lot together; about ourselves, about each other, about life and finances and responsibilities and friendships and compromises and adulthood and love. I know we'll continue learning various lessons as the years go on. I can't wait to learn how to be a mama to his many precious babies as he masters the art of being an incredible daddy. Hopefully, the eighth year will also be the year we add parenthood to our marriage cocktail. Only God knows that at this point.

Anyway... (Sorry. My brain seems to always find a way to back to babies, right now.)

I feel very blessed to have been able to spend the last seven years as Brad's wife. I'm honored that he chose me to be his One. I'm happy that the dork I fell in love with in high school remains the handsome stud I continue to love today. ...Even more than I ever thought possible back in the day when he held my hand outside my locker.

Love you, B. A whole lot. Happy 7th anniversary, my sweet boy.

Learning Early

I just love Layla. Don't you?

You know who else does? Jesus. And Layla is learning that precious truth already. This is the sweetest version of "Jesus Loves Me" I have ever heard.

Oh my goodness, my heart just falls right out. I simply can not stop watching this.

I can't wait to teach my own baby about Jesus' love someday! What a wonderful blessing! (The love and the baby!) ♥

The great outdoors

Recently, Brad and I spent a weekend camping together as a family. (ie. Chester tagged along.) Brad loves hiking and backpacking and roughing it outdoors-style with the guys, and I was excited to finally get to see him in action and even use some of his cool gear myself. We stayed two nights in his little backpacking tent. I say little, because it's made to be small enough to carry along on your back, and it was just big enough for the two of us in there, each with our own sleep pad and sleeping bag. Tight quarters call for snuggling up! Win-win!

But I think Chester enjoyed the adventure more than either of us did. Look how happy he was! Completely satisfied with himself and his roughin' in skills.

Bradley nicknamed him A.T. for being an "all terrain" dog during the weekend. He owned those trails like it was his job. At different times, he'd sprint, prance, gallop, and trot far ahead of us, as the leader of our pack. He was surprisingly efficient at deciphering the paths as well as climbing over rocks and crawling under fallen limbs. He run ahead the exact same distance every time; then he'd (somewhat impatiently) wait for us to catch up before he'd run off again. And if he ever lagged behind at our meeting points, allowing us to pass him up, he rudely barged his way back ahead of us, insisting that he be in front leading the way. He worked himself so thirsty, that he even drank water out of Brad's hand that was caught from a stream falling over the rock. He loved every  minute of it.

Chester was determined to not let his dad show him up, and to do anything and be anywhere that Brad was. Can you see his futile attempts to climb the rock wall that Brad scaled in the bottom of the left picture? With a little boost from his mama, he proudly dominated the challenge and joined us for a family picture.

When the sun went down, the temperatures dropped down right along with it. We bundled up, and tried to warm ourselves up from the inside out with some nice soup that we ate directly from the pot Brad used to cook it in over his little camping flame-cooker-stove-thing that he got for Christmas a few years ago. I didn't get a picture of it, but we also drank water that he purified straight from the river! Like I said, it was really neat to get to see how he survives using all of his tools when he goes out with the guys.

It got so cold at night, that Chester had to be covered up with a towel, even by the fire to keep from shivering. And once we were in the tent, he curled up next to Brad inside his sleeping bag! But I can't really speak. I had the hood of my 30 degree weather sleeping bag pulled so tightly that only my nose was exposed throughout the night. I woke up freezing, hoping it was nearly sunrise (aka, warm), only to be disappointed by the discovery that it was merely 2:30 in the a.m. Holy moly.

However, God definitely made sure that the weekend was worth my while! Look at some of His beauty that He showed us while we were out there. The river was steaming in the morning as the sun came up. And we saw so many beautiful, fall leaves decorating the trees along our hikes. I firmly believe that God created the color red just so He could demonstrate His awesomeness. (I mean, seriously, anything red always stands out from the background. You can't help but recognize His majesty!) I was so excited to see His glory all around me.

Oh, and as a special treat, I'll show you a glimpse of the Harry Potter tent that was a few sites away. It looks normal sized from the outside (well, more like gigantic compared to our little guy), but I'm positive that it's magically enhanced to be the size of a regular house once you step inside. That chimney is a dead giveaway. Wizards need to learn to be more discrete if they want to fool this muggle. I'm jussayin...

I love spending time with my husband, and my dog, especially amidst God's incredible creation. I'm definitely glad that we went. But I have to admit, I may leave that roughin' it in the cold stuff to the boys from now on. Brrr...

kisses blown from Heaven

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I feel like God blows me kisses sometimes; various little reminders of His love for me that He sneakily plants right in plain sight throughout nature.

Every morning, on my way to work, I pass multiple locations with vines of Morning Glory welcoming me to the new day. At first, I didn't realize what they were, and I was so disappointed in the evenings when I couldn't show Brad the beautiful flowers God had given me. My first explanation was that these specific gifts must be intended for only me. Upon some further research, I learned that morning glories only last the few hours of the morning, why is why I can only spot them during my morning commute. (However, I still like to believe they're for only me, regardless.)

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Brad did finally witness this particular display of His glory on our way to church this past Sunday Morning. How cool of God to bless us with some beauty to make the start of each day even better!? He totally knows that I need some pick-me-ups in the mornings.

Another random gift that He sends my way on a regular basis is turkeys. Now, I know this is really weird, but there is this rafter (that's actually what you call them) of turkeys that seem to live in the back yard of a house located along my route to and from work. They aren't visible every day, but it has become a sort of treasure hunt for me to find them, making my daily commute much more exciting.

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Some days I only see one or two, and some days I see the entire rafter! (Seriously, such a weird word.) I've even seen the big Toms spreading out their big feathers to impress the ladies, I've enjoyd observing the babies getting bigger. I know this seems silly, but every time I see one, a couple, or a whole lot of them, I always thank God for sending little treasures into my path.

Butterflies are something that are very specific to my personal relationship with God. I don't get them (technically, see them, but I feel like they're a gift, so I consider it receiving them) very often, but the times that I do are precisely when I need them the most. God sends a butterfly my way when I'm especially sad or lonely or scared or distracted with worldly things. They are kisses that He blows my direction in order to let me know He's here with me and He loves me and everything will be fine. To me, they serve as the most obvious physical reminder of God's presence in my life.

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For my husband, that Brad-specific nudge from God comes in the form of a deer. He has some awesome stories of spending time in prayer during hikes and having a deer walk right up to him and stay there for a long time, just staring at him and then just hanging out right around him. There are so many times when God has sent Brad a deer when he most needs a heavenly reminder.

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The other day, Brad and I were heading to a nearby state park to go for a walk/jog on the paved, shaded, 2-mile trail around the lake. This is one of our favorite places to exercise together. This particular evening, on the way there, we saw a whole field of deer, followed by a ton of turkeys, then a bunch of ducks on the water's edge. I took all of those gifts as blessings upon our time spent together and upon our work out. (For some reason, Satan really attacks me in this area, and I genuinely pray for protection from his lies when I'm about to enter into a time of exercise.)

Brad and I enjoyed wonderful, meaningful conversation during the first mile, but as soon as we passed the half-way point, a siren sounded signalling that the park would close soon. In order to make it out in time, we had to jog the remainder of the distance. It was an entire mile either way we went, and up to this point, I had never ran that far of a distance but once or twice on a treadmill. However, I absolutely did not want to get locked into the park. So I did the only thing I coudl do; I ran alongside my husband; and alongside my Creator.

I finally understood why He gave me so many bold signals of His presence in the beginning of the evening, and I used that awareness to motivate me to run. It was as we crossed over the bridge about a half-mile in that I thought I couldn't go anymore, and He sent a crane to swoop over the water at that exact minute. As I was jogging into the final quarter mile, I sang children's Bible songs in my head to keep pace as well as distract me from the pain in my lungs and the nasty sweat dripping down my face. (We had just taught 2-year-olds at Bible class the night before, so they were fresh in my mind.)

We finally made it back to the entrance, and do you know what God gave me?? Right there, in the middle of the walkway was a little doe just sauntering around. Through my huffs and puffs, I panted to Brad, "That's for me! Most deer He sends are for you, but that baby one right there is for me! He knew I'd need one after that!" (By the way, we made it back to the car with only three minutes to spare!)

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God definitely knows me. Afterall, He created me. I truly believe that He speaks to all of us in our own personal ways. We just have to allow ourselves to be receptive to His unique form of communication in our lives.

What form do the kisses that He blows your way take?

Joyful blooms

This summer heat wave is making me really crabby. (Seriously, a heat index of well over 100 degrees? Not even being able to check the mail without breaking a sweat? No thank you!) So I decided to focus on an aspect of summer that always makes me smile: pretty plants and the opportunity to work with them.

From the time we purchased our house, Brad and I have enjoyed gradually settling in and making it feel more like home. During the warmer months, that means we're even claiming the yard as well. This summer, we outlined the landscaping that Brad did a year ago with some brick-like "bullets." I think the trim makes the design look much more finished.

When Brad planted the Autumn maple tree (above right), he moved the little magnolia bush and ground cover to the other side of our garage. We've had quite a few blooms this season, but they haven't lasted too long. I'm hoping next year it'll be covered in flowers.

Since I had recently discovered that I really love watching plants grow (God is so visible!), my birthday wish was for a flowery tree to go on the left side of our driveway. I thought I really wanted a cherry tree, since they're so pretty, but the guy easily convinced me to get this hydrangea bush (pruned to resemble a tree) when he said that the blooms last much longer. More flowers make me happy; Sold! It has already grown quite a bit since April, and the little bushels of tiny white flowers are slowly developing. (Note to self: I need to take a current picture.)

Because it was my birthday, the nice (and very knowledgeable) flea market nursery guy let me choose from a host of additional small bushes for free! We chose this pink weigela bush, because pink is my favorite color of flower we knew it would look great in the place of our faltering rhododendron, which we had to move to the back of the house where it gets less light. (And where it is now thriving! Even if it remains unphotographed. Another note to self...)

The azaleas lining the front porch really showed off this year! It's so fun to see plants that we placed there last year come back all on their own (with a lot of  help from their Creator) just to exhibit God's glory. It is actually when these came into bloom that I really learned of my love for working with plants and flowers. It's like witnessing a miracle! And it serves a visual reminder of God's redemptive nature to bring forth beauty where there once was none.

Lilies of all kinds are my very favorite flowers ever (followed closely by tulips), and when these determined stalks surprised us by unexpectedly sprouting out even through a weed barrier and the rocks we had previously laid, I was thrilled! I don't know where we have been all our lives, but it simply didn't occur to us that these flowers would reappear this year. But now I know that bulbs come back and multiply year after year. I guess those "common knowledge" things have to start sometime!

I can't remember exactly what these cute little flowers are (geraniums? anyone?), but they're the perfect "welcome home" on our front porch. This picture was taken immediately after I planted them, but they've since gotten so big that they hang outside of the basket and take up about half of the vertical space. Oh, I just love to watch things grow!

To let that "God automatically makes bulbs reappear and multiply" lesson sink in even further, our day lilies have recently exploded! Last year, we planted six in this area, and this year we must have well over ten plants blooming like crazy. But, seeing as how I looo-oo-ooove lilies, I'm absolutely ecstacic! Brad says that if they keep this up, we may have to relocate some, though. We're thinking of removing the rock in that little section and adding some of the day lilies to the other lilies and just having a lily patch right there. At this rate, it would fill up that area in no time! And a lily patch is right up my alley. The only thing that could make it better, is a few tulips thrown in for good measure.

If our neighbors ever see me come home from work, I'm sure they wonder what in the world I'm doing, because I drive so slowly into the garage, providing me enough time to take a good look at every plant as I pass. When it's not 100 degrees out, I'll pull in and then walk around the whole yard checking out each flower and leaf, noticing any new buds that may have sprouted during the day. It's like they're my little babies or something.

I think flowers are such a wonderful gift from my Father. It's like He just wants me to know how kind, loving, generous, powerful, and creative He is. I mean, generally all women like to receive flowers as a gift from the man they love; I look at flowers growing in the earth as gifts directly from the One who truly holds my heart, as an expression of his love for me. What an incredible blessing.

There. That was just the refocus that I needed in order to break me away from this heat-induced grumpiness. Thanks for your help. 

Playing Hooky

Brad and I had a lunch date planned this past Friday. However, our lunch date quickly turned into an afternoon date. As soon as we got outside and discovered how beautiful the weather was, we simultaneously agreed to play hooky the rest for of the afternoon.

We called out from work, grabbed our Subway to go, ran home to change our clothes, invite Chester along, and grab some books, and then headed to the lake for the rest of the afternoon. We set up camp right on the bluffs overlooking the water and enjoyed the cool breeze as we relaxed the day away. It wasn't long until we were both napping, enjoying God's blessings in nature.

Chester enjoyed the impromptu field trip, as well. You can tell how happy he was. I mean, honestly, he's the cutest dog ever, right?

Even though it made his momma nervous, he (cautiously) explored the Great Outdoors before joining us in our leisurely lounging.

Family bonding is the best. Especially spur-of-the-moment bonding on a beautiful Friday afternoon.

I've never played hooky before. I have to admit, I kinda enjoyed it. But shhh, keep it on the downlow; I wouldn't want our employers to find out!

What I Already Know

I love when songs can speak for us, when a songwriter is able to put our thoughts to a melody. Today, I came across this particular song by a relatively unknown artist, and I couldn't help but share it with you. It is an incredible prayer with a great lesson. Enjoy!

Six Years

(Pic taken after our anniversary dinner.)

Today marks the sixth anniversary of our wedding. I can't even put into words what that means to me. I'm going to be honest with you; we had to work pretty hard to add this sixth year to our marriage. I have to admit, sometimes marriage is hard work. I totally believe in love with all of my heart, but my attitude toward love has altered quite a bit over the last twelve months.

Love doesn't simply equal perpetual smiles, giggles and flirts, although it's nice to have them present. It doesn't consist of constant euphoria and unwavering happiness, although there are periods of time that it can lift you up to the clouds. Love doesn't effortlessly come easy, like I maybe thought it did before (even though I didn't think I thought that at the time). I've come to learn that love is an action. Love is a verb. Love is a decision. Love is something you do, not necessarily something you feel.

I've also learned that love is something real; love is worth fighting for; and love can only come from the One who IS love.

I believe that marriages consist of both peaks and valleys. I'm especially proud of this particular anniversary, because the past year has honestly been a span spent in the valley. We've had our fair share of highlights, also, but overall, the sixth year of marriage has proven to be the most trying we've experienced thus far.

Thankfully, God is faithful. He has stayed right by our sides through all of the trials the devil has thrown our way, even carrying us during the times we weren't sure we could hold ourselves up. He ceaselessly extended His grace and mercy upon us, allowing us to bestow that same grace and mercy toward each other as needed. His perfect example of love for us has paved a path of love for us to follow in our marriage.

To represent our journey, our struggles, our perseverence, our committment and our focus, Brad and I prayerfully decided to commemorate our sixth wedding anniversary with corresponding tattoos.

On my wrist, I got two hearts joined together by a cross. It is a design which I created myself that symbolizes Christ being the center of our relationship. Furthermore, in my mind, it's also a visual representation of Christ completing each of us individually, as well as bringing (and keeping) us together.

Brad got a Celtic knot on his shoulder that is made up of two entwined hearts encircled within a larger heart to symbolize our relationship within God.

The permanent marks on our bodies serve as a representation of God's grace in our relationship. They provide a constant reminder of where our focus needs to be, which is first and foremost on the Lord, and then on our marriage within Him.

The sixth is a notch in our marriage belt that I am happily, proudly, and passionately claiming. With God's help, we have made it through a year worth of valley and are on our way up toward another beautiful peak in the clear blue sky. I'm sure that our futures hold many more rollercoaster rides up and down, but I'm also confident that we can get through all of it. We've done it once. We can do it again. After all, it's not like we'll be riding alone. God will always be right by our sides. And besides, without the rainy days, we wouldn't know how great the sunny ones actually are, right?

          ♥  God sure is good.  :)