Another Year Closer

Well, there goes 2012. It's been a long year. I'm kind of glad to see it go, actually.

Every year (and every single day) is filled with countless blessings, and I don't ever mean to not fully appreciate each of them. But, in terms of fertility, or lack thereof, is it horrible to be glad to just check another year off the list? Surely now, we're a year closer to our children, right? I never thought I would look at our journey to parenthood in year-long time increments, but yet another Christmas has passed us by without even a pregnancy. Surely the number of childless Christmases we are to experience as a couple is dwindling down, right? While the number of babies extraneously present in my life are constantly increasing, the number of days or months or years until we have our own simply must be decreasing. They just have to be. That's how math works. Today is a day closer to me becoming a mama than yesterday was. And tomorrow will be closer, still. Because of that basic arithmetic, I'm glad to see this year come to an end.

 

I know God has a great plan for us. And I know that He already knows what that plan is, down to every detail. I trust that completely. And because of that, I'm glad to have marked another year off of the journey. Don't get me wrong, I completely hate that it actually was a full year within that journey; I wish the journey to parenthood was already complete and that it had been measured in days or months alone, instead of entire 12-month calendars. But regardless, I'm excited to take that 2012 calendar off the wall and start a fresh, new one. With 12 more months of 2013 ahead of me, maybe a conception (followed by a healthy pregnancy and birth) is possible. Maybe 2013 is the year.

 

Here comes that tricky hope again. That scary flame that encourages me to keep dreaming. But maybe it's right. Maybe 2013 is the year. 2010 wasn't. 2011 wasn't either. And 2012 wasn't, still. But maybe, just maybe, 2013 is the one. Only one way to find out.

 

I've got to take another step forward. Move another day ahead.

 

January 1, 2013 is, at the very least, one day closer to me finally becoming a mama.